stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
