get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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