it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
