I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
