Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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