you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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