Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
