Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize