omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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