So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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