My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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