I will die if light touches me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
