I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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