Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So many bounce houses so little time
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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