Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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