guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
