Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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