the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
