I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ugly people sure do ruin things
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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