I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
