take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
