We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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