Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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