i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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