This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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