Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
