I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
