Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
