So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
