Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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