Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
