Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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