she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
