I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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