i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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