There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
