Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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