He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
