he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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