there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night