Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
