I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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