I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
