we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
