Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's blow job season.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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