I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
