her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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