Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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