My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My ass is underappreciated
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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