I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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