I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
