it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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