Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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