i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
