thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
