you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
