i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
