i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize