Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
