my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
